Door mat, meet Allie.
I always thought it was me who plowed through my relationships. That I was the controlling one. No. I'm just a nag who likes things a certain way. And even when that "certain way" is exclaimed every time, it is never done that way. Take for instance, my MIL. She doesn't listen to the way I like my cats taken care of. I have them on a very strict schedule and diet. But what does she do? She feeds them when she wants and what she wants: milk, tuna and half a bag of treats because, "Sonny wasn't eating anything else."
And I notice that in the midst of whatever relationships I'm in, where I'm the door mat, I get frustrated. Like, hey, ouch, that hurts. Get the fuck off of me! Too little, too late. It becomes a struggle for control. Even though I didn't have any to begin with. I'm not OK with this anymore.
Here we go, word vomit:
Have my parents even checked on me to make sure I'm ok? If I went missing for 2 weeks do you think they would notice or care? I'm not the one with the drug problem, so it's easy to disregard me. My mom has been to my apartment in White Plains, once. My dad? Zero. My mom will call me on the phone to see how the cats are doing, but not how I'm doing. She also didn't actually believe that I was depressed last year. No one did. No one "understood" the mood swings, the crying at any moment, the complete loss of appetite for life. Seasonal depression, they called it.
It never truly went away. It just became easier to manage. A voice lesson here. A dance class there. Nice distractions. I still cannot channel my feelings in the correct way. I have no idea which way is which or if I'm right. All I know is that I do not feel supported, loved, truly cared about. And I know I cannot go on the rest of my life feeling like this.
I wish my Dad would come and have dinner with me every Thursday when he's in Westchester. Instead, he has no idea where I actually live. Nor does he call me on Saturday mornings like I asked him to when we last spoke on the phone. I don't care if he wakes me up. I should be awake. My stepbrothers don't even have my phone number. My real brother is too scared to even talk to me because of what happened a few years ago. I'm also terrified of getting too close to him again, because of what happened a few years ago. My stepsister is more concerned with other things then spending time with me. My stepmother has three kids of her own, even though she said she always wanted more. I want to think that she thinks I'm one of hers and not just "Paul's daughter". My mother lies and spends more time in the Adirondacks without me. I was never invited up there for a weekend. Every time I ask her to watch my cats she has something else to do, like go to the Adirondacks. Am I asking too much? It's not material things. There is absolutely no price tag on my simple requests. Or am I that bad of a person that no one wants to spend time with me? Am I cold? Not friendly. Do I have resting bitch face?
Do I complain too much? Am I judgemental?
The last thing I want is anyone's sympathy. I just want them to genuinely want to spend time with me. Or just call and check in. But how do I say this to people without feeling rejected? I already felt rejected when I asked my father to take me to the doctor for a preop for surgery. Granted it was in the middle of a work day when I asked and it sounded like he had better things to do.
My husband can't sit still. He's the one I feel most dismissed by. I live with him. I see him 7 days a week. He doesn't ask me any questions. I'm the one who has to start all conversations. We're always doing things that he suggests. It's a 50/50 chance it's also something I want to do. Yet when I ask for something, I get turned down. When all I want to do is relax, we have to go do something else. I already have to split my holidays between my mom and my dad, now I have to split it between my in-laws too.
Every year I ask to be on a tropical island for my birthday. And every year, I am told no. I legit just looked up flights and hotel to Aruba from 12/24-12/26. Alone. Do I really want to spend my birthday alone? At this point, I'm metaphorically alone so is it really that much different?
I've had two meltdowns this week in front of my husband and he still hasn't asked me if I'm OK. Ignorance is bliss. #Blessed
You can judge me all you want from everything I just wrote, I don't care. For once in my life, I don't give two fucks. I only want to surround myself with people who care. Who actually take the time out to send me something, an email, a text, or god forbid even a phone call. Hell, I'll even take good vibes at this point because why the hell not.
No one knows what it's like, to have a birthday on Christmas. And no one knows what it's like to be me. Would you have cared enough to ask?
